Thursday, December 31, 2009
I want to dedicate this post to everyone, who made this year possible for me to survive and holmed me to become who I am at this point.
This year, I encountered too many casualties. I know that it's not only because I'm not used in my surroundings, but also because of my careless and hateful attitude. I told everyone that I'm always busy, but I'll only end up reading manga or watching anime instead. Because of that, the relationship that I had with a lot of people that I'm getting along with everyday got a large aperture. I
self-pitied. I asked for
allies, while
unknowingly backstabbing people just because I felt like I'm a creature to be pitied at. I cared for my
own pleasure, not knowing that my grades are
suffering for the nth time just because of it. That's why, I have to
move on, and mature.
I've always thought that I'm mature enough when I'm in a situation, like I'll act as a lady, dress like a lady and talk like a lady. That way, I feel quite self-satisfied, but I didn't know that it really feels awkward inside. Like, being not me. I didn't grow enough to mature. I just acted as one, but it's not real. I even idealized to enter a prestigious school when I thought that I have the capacity to do it, but it's now proven that I may not pass. I still have my high hopes on that school, but I think that I still have a long way to go and this is not yet my time to have my feet in its grounds. I tried my best to act cool, but as I said, it seemed so awkward. I always try to blend in... to fit in, but it always end up like I'm a jigsaw piece that doesn't fit in any jigsaw puzzle. But, I'm happy that I have another family (which is Imagination:Unleashed Family). I felt that everytime I'm in our home, I'll be secured. But, since there's such an inactivity, it makes me somewhat... sad.
Selfish much? Yeah, I guess so.
But now, with the present time, I want to make my 2010
right. With a much more mature attitude, but not concealing who I am anymore. Being a Tsundere might be quite attractive to sadists (yeah, Dearling, you're a part of the sadist group XD), but now, I have to quit being anime-like, especially in serious ocassions. I'm not saying that I'm leaving myself as an otaku (as if I can do that). I'll always be, and I'll stay as an Otaku. It's in my blood, that's what makes me alive. XD I don't want to do the same mistakes all over again. I'm saying this with a sigh, a smiling face plus raising eyebrows. I'm certain of it.
I want to completely move on and be
me. I want to show my true self not only to my beloved IU family, but also to the people who are physically surrounding me. I know that I ain't that accepted to the school society, being a serious-being that doesn't know how to mingle and such, but I'm going to show everyone my true nature. There might be other people who won't like me. I care less about that. I simply want to do whatever I want in my own accord, not being swayed by my emotions to do something at the extremities.
I want to leave a few things that serves as my pleasure. That includes playing online games including those little apps in FB, watching or surfing the net when homework is still left undone, and the hardest thing that made my life...
making fics, especially my
most favorite fic,
Dreaming on the Radio. It is one of my greatest achievements as a writer, knowing my friends being the greaaaatest thing. This one's hard to let go, now that I've reached this far with 300+ reviews and such. I know that it's like for a sucker compared to other authors who can make waaay better fics than this, but let me tell you that for me, this is the greatest fic of all, especially that I had my brain, heart, sweat, blood and soul on it. I'm not abandoning my "author life" that completely. I might accept challenges, do some dedication fics and others, and that may include updating DOTR. I'm not giving assurance about the update, but let's believe on the situation that I won't give that much attention to it now. It really hurts, seeing how the fic had grown and realizing how many friends it gave me. I wished for tons of reviews, and now, reading them is the hardest part. I some kind of... feeling guilty, stopping it at the part wherein the characters has to KISS. LoLsome, I freakin' know. I already had that part typed and done in my computer, but the scenes after that were fucking deleted when my comp got reformatted. Yeah, you can blame it on the comp's malfunction. XD
I always told myself to update this LJ account of mine, but as soon as school devoured me with paperworks, I wasn't able to post any single thing. Realizing that,
I don't want to make a lot of commitments. I have to prioritize school first, and weave my future with the fullest of my education. I just can't let old things happen again. You know... failing just because of my pleasure, when I know... when I
really know that I want to get my father on the stage to hang that medal on my neck when he goes back from abroad to see where his hardwork on me went.
Anyway.
I've always wondered why I don't get a love life. Yes, this is very LOLSOME as ever to ask, but really, why? I saw
Muken's post in her blogger account about her own love life
sorry to special mention you, Muken, but seeing your blog just struck a chord in me XD. Rejection's a good partner when you want relationships to work, especially when the friendship is too tight that you don't want to crush it. I've rejected, even though some are just, wait, not my friends to start with. I don't like the feeling of being toy-ed around. I don't even look like a doll. Ho wait, maybe yes, A biig VOODOO DOLL! XDDD
I'm not that too intimidating to get intimidated at, or maybe, I'm just freaking... uh-hah, scary, to deal with. I'm somewhat called as "Tsundere" (as told by Dearling LOL XD), who, according to
Miles, is a person who is tough on the outside but somewhat soft in the inside (I don't fully remember, sorry XD). I'm in the league of Ayuzawa Misaki, Cagalli Yula Atha and Sabaku no Temari. Yeah, so much that whenever I got asked by my relatives if ever I've got one I'll just say "Eh?" and won't react at all. XD
I ain't saying that I'm wishing for it. I just feel like... I could have let someone enter that part of my life before getting into college. But, setting that aside, I have to focus on my studies. I picked one which is more important--my studies. I ain't the kind of person who'd go into two serious commitments, especially if I can't handle both, or so. Maybe this is how I do my defense mechanism.
I'm single, yet unavailable. I still have a line of Bishounens to have sme//shot
Never dare to tell thy sacred word. XD
-
I've decided now.
I'll move on, leave what has to be left in the past and walk forward.
I won't conceal myself anymore to those who want to see the real me.
Because this is me, your one and only...
Ayyah"Happy New Year, people! Let's do our best and give it all that we can in this year of 2010!"Labels: ayyah
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9:15 AM
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