Thursday, December 31, 2009
I want to dedicate this post to everyone, who made this year possible for me to survive and holmed me to become who I am at this point.
This year, I encountered too many casualties. I know that it's not only because I'm not used in my surroundings, but also because of my careless and hateful attitude. I told everyone that I'm always busy, but I'll only end up reading manga or watching anime instead. Because of that, the relationship that I had with a lot of people that I'm getting along with everyday got a large aperture. I
self-pitied. I asked for
allies, while
unknowingly backstabbing people just because I felt like I'm a creature to be pitied at. I cared for my
own pleasure, not knowing that my grades are
suffering for the nth time just because of it. That's why, I have to
move on, and mature.
I've always thought that I'm mature enough when I'm in a situation, like I'll act as a lady, dress like a lady and talk like a lady. That way, I feel quite self-satisfied, but I didn't know that it really feels awkward inside. Like, being not me. I didn't grow enough to mature. I just acted as one, but it's not real. I even idealized to enter a prestigious school when I thought that I have the capacity to do it, but it's now proven that I may not pass. I still have my high hopes on that school, but I think that I still have a long way to go and this is not yet my time to have my feet in its grounds. I tried my best to act cool, but as I said, it seemed so awkward. I always try to blend in... to fit in, but it always end up like I'm a jigsaw piece that doesn't fit in any jigsaw puzzle. But, I'm happy that I have another family (which is Imagination:Unleashed Family). I felt that everytime I'm in our home, I'll be secured. But, since there's such an inactivity, it makes me somewhat... sad.
Selfish much? Yeah, I guess so.
But now, with the present time, I want to make my 2010
right. With a much more mature attitude, but not concealing who I am anymore. Being a Tsundere might be quite attractive to sadists (yeah, Dearling, you're a part of the sadist group XD), but now, I have to quit being anime-like, especially in serious ocassions. I'm not saying that I'm leaving myself as an otaku (as if I can do that). I'll always be, and I'll stay as an Otaku. It's in my blood, that's what makes me alive. XD I don't want to do the same mistakes all over again. I'm saying this with a sigh, a smiling face plus raising eyebrows. I'm certain of it.
I want to completely move on and be
me. I want to show my true self not only to my beloved IU family, but also to the people who are physically surrounding me. I know that I ain't that accepted to the school society, being a serious-being that doesn't know how to mingle and such, but I'm going to show everyone my true nature. There might be other people who won't like me. I care less about that. I simply want to do whatever I want in my own accord, not being swayed by my emotions to do something at the extremities.
I want to leave a few things that serves as my pleasure. That includes playing online games including those little apps in FB, watching or surfing the net when homework is still left undone, and the hardest thing that made my life...
making fics, especially my
most favorite fic,
Dreaming on the Radio. It is one of my greatest achievements as a writer, knowing my friends being the greaaaatest thing. This one's hard to let go, now that I've reached this far with 300+ reviews and such. I know that it's like for a sucker compared to other authors who can make waaay better fics than this, but let me tell you that for me, this is the greatest fic of all, especially that I had my brain, heart, sweat, blood and soul on it. I'm not abandoning my "author life" that completely. I might accept challenges, do some dedication fics and others, and that may include updating DOTR. I'm not giving assurance about the update, but let's believe on the situation that I won't give that much attention to it now. It really hurts, seeing how the fic had grown and realizing how many friends it gave me. I wished for tons of reviews, and now, reading them is the hardest part. I some kind of... feeling guilty, stopping it at the part wherein the characters has to KISS. LoLsome, I freakin' know. I already had that part typed and done in my computer, but the scenes after that were fucking deleted when my comp got reformatted. Yeah, you can blame it on the comp's malfunction. XD
I always told myself to update this LJ account of mine, but as soon as school devoured me with paperworks, I wasn't able to post any single thing. Realizing that,
I don't want to make a lot of commitments. I have to prioritize school first, and weave my future with the fullest of my education. I just can't let old things happen again. You know... failing just because of my pleasure, when I know... when I
really know that I want to get my father on the stage to hang that medal on my neck when he goes back from abroad to see where his hardwork on me went.
Anyway.
I've always wondered why I don't get a love life. Yes, this is very LOLSOME as ever to ask, but really, why? I saw
Muken's post in her blogger account about her own love life
sorry to special mention you, Muken, but seeing your blog just struck a chord in me XD. Rejection's a good partner when you want relationships to work, especially when the friendship is too tight that you don't want to crush it. I've rejected, even though some are just, wait, not my friends to start with. I don't like the feeling of being toy-ed around. I don't even look like a doll. Ho wait, maybe yes, A biig VOODOO DOLL! XDDD
I'm not that too intimidating to get intimidated at, or maybe, I'm just freaking... uh-hah, scary, to deal with. I'm somewhat called as "Tsundere" (as told by Dearling LOL XD), who, according to
Miles, is a person who is tough on the outside but somewhat soft in the inside (I don't fully remember, sorry XD). I'm in the league of Ayuzawa Misaki, Cagalli Yula Atha and Sabaku no Temari. Yeah, so much that whenever I got asked by my relatives if ever I've got one I'll just say "Eh?" and won't react at all. XD
I ain't saying that I'm wishing for it. I just feel like... I could have let someone enter that part of my life before getting into college. But, setting that aside, I have to focus on my studies. I picked one which is more important--my studies. I ain't the kind of person who'd go into two serious commitments, especially if I can't handle both, or so. Maybe this is how I do my defense mechanism.
I'm single, yet unavailable. I still have a line of Bishounens to have sme//shot
Never dare to tell thy sacred word. XD
-
I've decided now.
I'll move on, leave what has to be left in the past and walk forward.
I won't conceal myself anymore to those who want to see the real me.
Because this is me, your one and only...
Ayyah"Happy New Year, people! Let's do our best and give it all that we can in this year of 2010!"Labels: ayyah
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9:15 AM
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
@Kriselle, I'm sorry but I won't be able to post anything about the JS Prom. I'm too absorbed by my bad mood. Sorry.
Who wants to read my dark side?
Visit: > BAD TABOO <
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6:43 AM
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
Okay. So, it was never different for me, just like today.
The first things that I heard when I woke up in the morning is that my sisters are checking out on my self-made design for my JSProm's gown. (Grr, and there is only about a week to prepare. Damnit.). I did not get up, since I don't want to have conversations as long as I can whenever I'm here in the house. (I told you, I'm a very different person when I'm with somebody else other than my family). So, I decided to daydream again, and when I get over it, that's the time when I'll get up. I searched for my red slippers, and then headed towards the kitchen to have breakfast.
Yeah right. My diet was ruined. Ugh.
I can't tell you every single detail that happened to me today. I'm so full of schoolworks.
I can remember how many times I cursed the person who made JS Prom. Yeah, who needs it, by the way...
Because of that, my mood was totally ruined.
----
We were inside a clothes stall and I was choosing between red or blue. At the end, I chose blue. Yeah. And I was quite addicted to blue now. Haven't noticed.
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I know. This is my simplest post ever.
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I did not went straight home. Instead, I asked permission from my mother that I'll go together with Ivy at the Church. It's good that she allowed me, and I'm happy for that. Hehe.
I raided (lawl) Ivy's house, and surfed the net in it. Hoho. And we entered Jin-san's blog, and saw the evidences that she's a girl. Lawl, she really is. (We're still her fangirls, anyway.) It's just that she really looks HAWT and HANDSOME. I was quite astonished that she and Alodia had a photoshoot together. WAW. Everything in their gallery is AWWWEEESOME!
We went at the Church by quarter to 6. Solemn time.
When the Mass ended, we went straight to 7-11, and ate RAAAMEEEN. A tasteless Ramen. Yeah. With a century egg, which looked like a toy. HAHAHA. THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS. XDDD
IVY EVEN SAID THAT SHE THOUGHT THAT A CENTURY EGG IS A TIME CAPSULE! HOHOHOHOHOHO!
That tasteless Ramen is dang curse-able. GRR. MY DIET WAS RUINED. RUINED. RUIIIIINEEED!
->Ya-chan
(Gomen, I'm in no mood to blog tonight. Bleh.)
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5:02 AM
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Saturday, January 24, 2009
Oh. My tummy is aching. It must be the foods that I ate. Ugh.My day started when I woke up at exactly 7:00 AM. My eyes have already fluttered open, but when I thought about my busy day yesterday, I thought that I should really need to stay on the bed, think about any pairing that I want and then finally drift back to sleep. And I did not fail (YES!). Thanks to UsuiMisa and RyoSaku pair which made my brain busy in daydreaming. XDD I exactly remember what I daydreamed about RyoSaku--everything that might happen at chapter 18 "struggled" to erase my writer's block. But, ugh! I was wrong. I can't think of anything. >,< mou. I can't remember anything else that I tried to imagine a while ago about UsuiMisa, but I bet it's also good.
And then I remembered that we have rehearsals by 9:00 A.M.
I looked at the clock above the end table and, ugh! It's already 8:00 A.M. With that, I decided to get up, but I didn't even think of moving so quickly. I can't feel my feet on the ground. xD
It was almost 8:45 A.M. and I'm not yet done. Gosh, I didn't know that Kin had already sent me two messages and said that she's ready to go. I only had the time to read the message when she's already in front of the house, waiting for me to get done. AND OH, I haven't brushed my teeth yet. Now, that's not really good. I rushed towards the kitchen, brushed my teeth and sprinted outside the house after sliding in my blue bag whatever can be brought.
We were able to reach the school my 9:45, and we were glad that the rehearsals were not yet done. =DD But unfortunately, I left our lyrics. Not good, I know. What I had to do was to go at the nearest computer shop, search for the song and print it out. When we got back (Jasmin, our pianist, and I), it was Mabelle's(the music teacher's daughter) turn to sing. Oh God. That girl owns! xDD She's very talented in singing. Because of that, we had a good time at the other side of our small music room.
As usual, by lunch, we ate at Chowtrip and ate the endless ''Breaded Chicken". Haha. After that, we visited Jasmin's house (which was just beside the school), and saw her in front of her piano. Because of that, we jammed in her house as she played the piano, and WOW! She can play Bella's Lullaby! XDD Awesome, I know. xDDD
After that, we went to the school and saw some of our schoolmates. They were about to celebrate Pia's birthday at her house, and everyone is invited. Unfortunately, I had another appointment, and that's where Kriselle's birthday celebration goes on. But before anything else, I had to go back to the house and take another bath. xD
It was already 5:00 P.M. when I headed out towards SM Tunasan. Yeah right. I'm such an early bird. xDDD I KNOW, I KNOW. XDDD
And, something scary happened to me.
When I was about to cross the street, a car passed by in front of me and I was almost caught. Luckily, I have good reflexes and I was able to avoid it. (Phew). It was really scary, and I thought about missing my feet once more. xDD I got on a jeepney and headed towards the mall.
As soon as I hopped off from the jeepney, I walked towards National Bookstore and tried to find them. I was glad that they were the ones to see me, so that I won't be in a hassle trying to find them. xD yeah, I know. I'm such a lazy bum. I gave my gift to Kriselle, and then we went to the Movies Hall.
We were about to watch "Underworld", which was about Vampires vs. Werewolves, but we came very late and the next showing will be at 7:05. Gawd, it was never an option, then. So we went to the "Yes Man" movie instead, which was totally hilarious! xD It was Kriselle's treat, which is why we had to treat her with the food. xD But that was involuntary. Muken(Louise) and I really wanted to treat you, too! *glomps Muken and Kriselle*. It was also my "second" time to get so noisy in the theater. WE LAUGHED OUR WITS OUT VERY LOUDLY, AND I'M VERY PROUD TO SAY IT. HAHAHAHA. XD YOU UNDERSTAND? XDD
We met Aina at our way out, and there's where the 'galaan' entered the picture.
The Quantum area (which is like Timezone) was not very far, and we decided to give it a visit. We were about to play "The HedgeHog", but kids were playing. We went to the foodmart instead, where the random chatting entered.
xD I can't tell every single detail, but as far as I could remember, we talked about Jin from Tuxedo Team.
And I was heartbroken because, OH MY GOSH. JIN IS A GIRL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. I admit, I have a crush on Jin because I ENTIRELY THOUGHT THAT HE WAS A GUY! Oh, I never thought that It was like that. No, no. xD Which made me down at the last minutes of our get-together.
But to be able not to spoil the fun, I decided to cheer up, and said that, "Ibubura ko sa isipan ko na babae si Jin. Basta, favorite cosplayer ko pa rin siya!" and then Muken told me, "Jin and Miguel have a relationship." (Hmm, sorry. xD)
Inside, I went: *0* Oh.MY.God.
And then the whole thought registered in my mind. That's why it's fine for them to cosplay NaruSasu, NICE! XDDD
I just really crush Jin. xD I have to admit that she's a girl, and I'm her fangirl. OH WELL.
We went home by 9:00 P.M., (which, I think, I was the main reason why we had to go home that "early"). My mom was, erm, scolding me.
We separated ways at "United", and had our own jeepneys. xD While I was inside the jeepney, I prayed, "Please, Lord, Please, sana hindi galit si mama." xD
Oh God. If you just know how much I love you because you heard my prayer. ^_^
When I was already home, Mama gave me the lecture, and I understand her. My elder sisters were not like that (I mean, going home by 8:00 onwards) but I was the only one who can do that to her. Well, I know that it's also my fault, so there's no need to mop on it and just move on while registering my Mama's lesson. ^_^
And now, I'm here in front of the computer, blogging the things that happened today. After this, I'll be signing out and take my rest. =DD
I love everything that happened today. I know that it went on and off, but I'm still glad because everything went nice.
~Ya-chan
PS: ADVANCE HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KRISELLE! ^_^ WE LOVE YOU! *glomps*
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5:58 AM
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Okay.
So, I call this day as baddest and worsest of all the days.
I don't care even if there's no words such like baddest or worsest, but it's because it's like it.
We had our practice for our Field Demo a while ago, and I felt, well, infuriated and degraded inside. Why? Because of the categories. I felt everything around me as unfair, because our choreographer chose, erm, just the persons from the first and the second row without even regarding or thinking about the wants of those from the other rows. It was so UNFAIR (and I was at the 3rd row, dammit! xDD). Because of that, my moodswings went back, and I did something wrong to one of our classmates. ARGH. And I think you don't need to know, since it's nonsensical.
Back to the moodswings.
Because of what happened a while ago, I felt entirely disappointed about myself. Main reason: I felt very proud of myself when I was able to control my moodswings for almost a month, but then it returned just because of a mere dance number. (Or was it even a dance at all? Damnit.) I also promised to God and myself that I'll do my best just to stop cursing, but because of the 'unequal' treatment a while ago, I really cursed. And honestly, I really wanted to take off the choreographer's hair and make him bald. xDD
It's very annoying, especially because the other group was more prioritized than ours, because theirs are about 'Tribes', and ours is about 'Sinulog-Base', which was verrry boring (We don't like it, really.). Frankly speaking, I felt discriminated because, can't the choreographer just merge the two categories? It was so degrading.
Well, it was very nonsensical in a way that I'm acting too childishly. Or, was I?
Labels: annoying, ayyah, dance, irritating, nonsensical, school
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5:56 AM
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Wednesday, January 21, 2009
If ever I was given the chance to state whatever is in my mind now, I could have jotted them down. But I can't, since my mind is packed with the best-est things I've known so far. Now that I have a spare time of about 45 minutes, this must be the best time to post my first one.
I felt the warm welcome of the New Year to me, even if there are some spots that are missing. I wasn't able to greet some of my friends especially 'him' (I was able to greet him, but it's not good since it wasn't personal), my Christmas went good and then bad at the end, and I wasn't able to enter even the top 20 of our room's rankings, which was so painful to think about since I was one of the Top 3 at the first quarter of our schooling.
But, I wanted to thank those misfortunes since I was able to continue on holding on. I found my true friends, who I am (though not wholly), and I was able to control my moodswings. I have a balanced start, ne?
~>dhara11
Labels: ayyah, paper, rankings, school
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6:15 AM
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